I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
