he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
