Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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