dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
