I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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