You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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