I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
