I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Everyone says I win the strip club
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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