Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
