Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
