It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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