Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Randomize
