not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
