her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
