guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
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