got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
