i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
