Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
