I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
