By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed