I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
