I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
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