I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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