the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
