so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
