I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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