My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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