Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
