I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
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He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
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We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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