I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
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how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
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I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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