I met the friendliest cop last night
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
