Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
