my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
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I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
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The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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