I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
