Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
She even gives head with a lisp.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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