So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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