i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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