I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
