just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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