I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
God, I missed his penis.
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