he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
