No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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