So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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