Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
