I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
