so that wasnt chicken after all
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
