My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
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I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
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Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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