Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
where are my eyebrows?
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