I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
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I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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