I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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