I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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