Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker