I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest