The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
