the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
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Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
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He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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